Letter from Armour

Below, reproduced with his permission, is an email from my brother.

Do not try this at home:

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So, Renegade has been scratching around his neck and shoulders quite vigorously for the past couple weeks. In some spots, I think he's scratched to the point of creating a small sore that's scabbed over. I checked him, but can't find any ticks, mites, fleas or anything else. Perhaps it's some kind of rash, or perhaps he's just stupid.

In any case, I called the vet and scheduled an appointment. The woman I talked to on the phone said that in the meantime, I could give him a bath with Palmolive. The conversation went something like this:

Woman: "You can give him a bath in Palmolive. Sometimes that helps!"

Me: "What?"

Woman: "Yeah, Palmolive can help him with some kinds of skin irritations."

Me: "You mean like the dish soap? You're telling me that I should try and bathe my cat and use dish soap?"

Woman: "Yep! That might clear it right up!"

Me: [long pause] "So, I should put him in the bathtub and scrub him with dish soap?"

Woman: "That's what you should do! And we'll see you on the 16th!"

Me: "I'm not sure we'll both survive this, but yes - hopefully I'll see you on the 16th."

Woman: [laughing] "He won't be that bad!"

Me: "You don't know my cat. I'm being extremely serious."

Woman: [no longer laughing] "Um...okay, well be careful."

Me: "Okay. I'll call you if things don't work out. Thanks for the tip on the bath.....bye."

That was about it. I think she got kind of uncomfortable towards the end when I made it seem like Renegade might not survive this! Anyway, today I went for it and he is NOT happy!

When I first got him in the tub, he started meowing louder than I've ever heard him before. I'm confident the neighbors thought I was molesting a panther in here. But, once I started pouring water on him, he appeared to calm down. All of a sudden, I went to grab the soap (yes, I used Palmolive) and he flipped out. I was holding him under his chest and before I could drop the soap and grab him with both hands, he just went apeshit! He started jumping with his hind legs and grabbing for whatever he could with his front paws. These things included: the shower curtain, the wall of the shower, my arms, and my shirt. Note the attached shower curtain picture...

Once I got him to calm down, I started trying to scrub this crap into his fur. Have you ever tried to shampoo your hair when it's not fully wet? And it sort of turns into a nasty, soapy, lathery mess? That was Renegade. Only now imagine your hair howling, scratching, and doing everything in its power to get the hell out of the bathtub.

Then came the rinsing. Up until now, I didn't have the water running. Just about an inch or so of warm water in the bottom of the tub. After letting that drain, I had to turn on the water to rinse him off. Now, at this point he was relatively calm. But, what I didn't account for was the fact that turning on the water introduced a new sound. Apparently one that Renegade did not care for. He started squirming like a 16 year old lacrosse player IM-ing with Mark Foley!!!

So then I had to try and rinse as much soap off of him as I could. This proved to be near impossible. I repeatedly doused him with a large cupful of water, and I'm positive that his belly is still fully soaped. I considered sticking him under the faucet or even turning on the shower, but as I value my hands and face, I dared not introduce yet another element of terror for the cat.

I think from now on, I will pass on advice from strange women who work in the vet's office. She's probably laughing with her office mates right now: "...so, listen to what I told this guy to do! Give his cat a bath with Palmolive...and he believed me!!!!"

Next time, I'll let the pro’s do it!!!